


Cole's Axiom

by abriata



Category: Social Network (2010)
Genre: Community: kink_bingo, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-09-30
Updated: 2011-09-30
Packaged: 2017-10-29 05:26:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,507
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/316301
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/abriata/pseuds/abriata
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Cole's Axiom (n): The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the population is growing.</p><p>Or: the hickeys are mocking him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Cole's Axiom

**Author's Note:**

> Title entirely dedicated to Andrea.

Mysterious hickeys have been showing up on Chris' neck.

"They're hickeys," Eduardo says, and then keeps petting when Mark makes an annoyed sound and pushes his head harder against Eduardo's leg. "I'm pretty sure we all know how they get there."

Dustin concedes the point, but he's pretty sure Eduardo doesn't get it - hickeys have to be put there by someone, but there is no someone. It is mysterious.

"So, Chris," Dustin says, throwing himself over the back of the couch.

"No," Chris says.

"What?" Dustin asks.

"No, I'm not telling you who I'm sleeping with," Chris says.

Dustin stares. He never _actually_ believed Chris was psychic, but--

"Eduardo says you were badgering him about it," Chris says, rolling his eyes.

Eyeing him suspiciously, Dustin thinks, _You are hot and those should be my hickeys._

Chris stares back at him, vaguely impatient.

No go, then. Dustin grins, leans forward and ruffles Chris' hair, and then turns tail and runs.

"Why do you come in here," Mark says. "You're always in my room. It's weird."

"You're always in your room," Dustin points out. Mark looks confused.

"Because it's his room," Chris supplies helpfully.

"Don't eavesdrop!" Dustin tells him, and shuts the door.

Mark still looks confused. "Wait, do you mean you're in here because I'm always in here?"

"Nope," Dustin says. "How bad would it be if I got Chris drunk and tried to get in his pants?"

Mark looks contemplative, which is why Mark is Dustin's second-favorite friend. Eduardo would've looked scandalized, and then understanding, and then he would've given Dustin some speech about _working things out_ or maybe _trusting in yourself_ , and then the little rat bastard would've turned right around and reported the whole damn thing to Chris, probably.

"How drunk?" Mark finally decides on.

"Between tipsy and totally hammered," Dustin says. "Obviously I'd want everything still functioning."

"You'd want what still functioning?" Eduardo asks suspiciously, opening the door at Dustin's back. Then he sees Mark and grins disgustingly, and Mark blinks back and looks obliging, and Dustin could probably strip naked and neither would notice unless he was trying to get naked with one of _them_.

He sighs, and sits on the couch next to Chris, nudging until Chris opens two-player mode and lets Dustin have the other controller. The hickey is still there, faintly red, mocking him.

\---

So naturally, the next course of action is to see if he can catch Chris when he's with this - _person_.

"Dustin, your class is in the opposite direction of mine," Chris informs him helpfully, when Dustin trails him out the next morning.

This is not so rude as it might first seem. Dustin tends to wake up in the morning feeling like the living dead, and he pretty much functions by following Chris around like a creepy little mirroring-stalker thing. Chris has a great morning routine - everything from coffee to food to teeth brushing, plus pants - so as long as Dustin mimics Chris he usually leaves the dorm looking a little less like a zombie.

Drawback being, of course, that sometimes Chris has to take his shoulders, turn him around, and shove him off in the right direction so Dustin doesn't keep following him, but whatever, nothing's perfect.

"Right," Dustin says, and turns around obediently. There will obviously need to be greater measures taken in this following business.

\---

"Ugh," Dustin tells Mark.

Mark sort of glances over at him. Dustin appreciates the effort.

"I don't know Chris' schedule!" Dustin says. "I can't follow him in the morning because we leave at the same time! And I don't know his schedule so I can't stalk him during the day!"

"Dustin," Mark says.

"No, I'm not going to hack in and get it," Dustin says irritably. "That would be cheating."

"You want to get his schedule fairly so you can follow him like a mildly disturbed stalker," Mark says. He sort of glances over again.

"Yes," Dustin says.

"Okay," Mark says. Dustin's glad Mark gets it - he should, of course, considering the measures he went to in order to get Eduardo. Legality doesn't factor into these things anywhere - the cause is much too great to quibble over foibles.

"Chris," Mark says, leaning over and staring blindly at the door like Chris will appear. Chris does, actually, sticking his head out of their bedroom to stare back at Mark. Dustin would be worried Chris heard them, but Chris looks way too calm.

"Yes, Mark?" Chris says.

"Eduardo wants to know your schedule." Mark sort of asks.

"I can print out an extra copy and leave it on the table for him," Chris offers, shrugging.

"Okay," Mark says, and sits back in his chair.

"You are a genius," Dustin says fervently.

"You're in Eduardo's spot," Mark says.

Dustin moves.

\---

Armed with Chris' schedule, Dustin has much better luck finding him.

"Dustin, what are you doing here?" Chris asks, exasperated.

The staying-hidden part, which is what Dustin is pretty sure is required to make this spying thing successful, is not going so well.

"Chris!" Dustin answers loudly. "I didn't know you were here!"

"It's my math class," Chris says.

"That's so weird," Dustin says.

Chris raises his eyebrows and waits for something.

"Well, uh," Dustin says, and then sees a girl he recognizes in the corner of his eye. "I've gotta go! Kimberly, hi!"

Chris stares at him, and when they round the corner Dustin relinquishes his hold on poor Kimberly and starts to apologize.

"No, it's okay," she says, frowning a little. "But what are you doing here?"

"Stalking my roommate," Dustin says, and then has to explain the whole thing. Kim laughs a little, and then she laughs a lot, but she doesn't call Dustin anything mean and she promises not to tell Chris, so Dustin counts it as a win.

\---

There's a party that Friday. It seems pointless to say so - it's college, there's always a party - but Dustin announces it loudly and then bothers Chris until Chris agrees to go.

Dustin waves at Mark and Eduardo, and Mark nods at him, and then Eduardo looks like he's figured out something's up so Dustin hustles Chris out the door.

"Why are you so desperate to be here?" Chris asks, once they're safely at the first party Dustin finds.

"No reason," Dustin says, and sits down.

Chris narrows his eyes. "Did Mark bribe you into giving him the suite again for tonight?"

"Yes!" Dustin says. "So we're not supposed to be back again until after midnight!"

"You know," Chris says, "I don't think it's fair that Mark never bribes _me_. I should get some of the gains of always being forced out of my own home."

"You should definitely bring that up with him tomorrow," Dustin says, nodding, because there's no way Chris will actually try to say something to Mark.

Chris makes an irritated noise and sits down next to Dustin. Dustin leans into him and starts talking about his morning class.

Everything goes pretty well, actually, until Dustin spills his beer all over Chris. It's not his fault, which he feels is important to keep in mind - Kim leans over his shoulder and says, "Hi, Dustin!" which is nice, but Dustin jumps and flails and throws his drink all over Chris.

So really, it's Kim's fault.

Chris doesn't seem to agree, since he scowls at Dustin and jumps up, escaping to the bathroom. Dustin stares after him mournfully.

"Graceful," Kim says. "Usually the whole spilling-drinks-on-your-crush thing only works if you get to go with them while they strip off their clothes."

"Shh!" Dustin says. "Also, I don't need to spill things on him to see him change clothes, we live together."

"Oh, well then," Kim says, and grins at him.

"Shut up," Dustin says. "What are you doing here?"

"My ex-boyfriend is in this frat," she says. "So I'm trying to pick someone up and use them to make him jealous about what he can no longer have."

"Um, you're alone," Dustin says.

"Thanks," she says, and makes a face. "Turns out my plan isn't working too well. I feel guilty using someone like that, so I've had to turn down the couple cute guys who have talked to me."

"Aw," Dustin says, sympathetic, and then says, "Oh, no," when she narrows her eyes at him speculatively.

"Yeah," she says. "You'll do well enough."

"Thanks," Dustin says darkly, and yelps when she pulls him out of his chair. "No, seriously!" he says, and stumbles to catch himself.

He doesn't escape her clutches the rest of the night; she demands his continued assistance in her own boyfriend-stalking attempts, retroactively leveraging her earlier promise of silence.

At the end of the night Chris has escaped to parts unknown, but Kim is back with her boyfriend. Dustin is very happy for them.

"Do you think--" he says, since their scam worked so well for her, but she looks at him sympathetically and says, "No."

\---

Chris is back by the time Dustin wakes up in the morning. Dustin clambers out of bed to go look at him, and ends up staring way too long at the new mark on his neck. There are teeth imprints.

He turns around and goes back to bed, but only after texting Kim.

 _Chris is sneaky pls help_

She sends back _:((((((_ and is, in general, a very useless ally.

\---

Dustin tries to follow Chris a couple of more times, but Chris is both incredibly observant and Dustin incredibly forgetful. He usually catches up to Chris by accident and then has to make up an excuse for being nearby, or he runs into someone and starts talking to them, and Chris hears or sees him and then Dustin has to make up another excuse.

It's all very frustrating.

\---

 _i may have to give up_

 _Oh no_

 _:(_

 _Sarcasm, dustin_

\---

"Okay, seriously," Dustin says, when they're eating lunch one afternoon and Chris shows up halfway through, wearing the clothes from last night and trying to skulk in, which fails spectacularly when he finds them all sitting on the floor in front of the TV. "When do we get to meet the boyfriend?"

"Boyfriend?" Chris says, and edges toward the bedroom.

"No running away," Dustin says. "I could just follow you. So, who is it?"

"Nobody," Chris says, and stares approximately at Dustin's knee.

"Oh, shit," Eduardo says. "I forgot I have class."

"It's Saturday," Mark says.

"You have class, too," Eduardo says, and hauls Mark up despite his protests.

"Really?" Chris asks Eduardo, looking oddly betrayed, but Eduardo says goodbye politely and leaves, Mark still in tow.

"Why won't you tell me?" Dustin asks, and follows Chris into the bedroom.

"There's nothing to tell!" Chris says, and digs fresh clothes out of the closet.

"You're lying," Dustin accuses.

Chris changes shirts, dropping the dirty one in the proper section in his color-separated hamper. Dustin went in once and mixed all the clothes up, just to see if Chris would notice.

Chris did, and his revenge was immediate and painful. Dustin hasn't touched his things since.

"I'm really not," Chris says.

"I know you are!" Dustin says, and waves his hands at everything that is Chris at this moment, in all his walk-of-shame glory.

"Ugh," Chris says, and turns back to his closet. "Why do you _care_?" he asks, glaring over his shoulder. "Eduardo said you've been creeping around."

"We're your friends!" Dustin says, ignoring the burning resentment for Eduardo that has abruptly established itself. "Why don't you want us to meet your boyfriend? Are you ashamed of us?"

"Dustin," Chris says, and rolls his eyes.

Dustin sits down on his bed, looking at Chris. He doesn't say anything.

Chris sighs and sits down opposite, looking at him. "I don't have a boyfriend," he repeats.

"But--" Dustin starts, and Chris says, exasperated, "It's called hooking up!"

Dustin shuts his mouth and stares.

Chris shifts uncomfortably.

"Wow," Dustin says finally. "You hook up a _lot_."

"Shut up," Chris says irritably, and stands up to take off his pants.

\---

Dustin texts Kim, _Chris is a manslut :(_

She replies, _I'm sorry for you. and don't slut shame_

 _I would never! he is though_

 _I'm sorry for you_ , she sends again, and Dustin chooses to accept the spirit of the words and not the sarcasm he suspects may be lurking behind them.

\---

The mystery may be resolved, but now Dustin doesn't know what to do.

"You're pathetic," Mark tells him one afternoon the next week, when Dustin is sprawled on Mark's bed and bemoaning his life.

"What do I do now?" Dustin says. "I'm so disappointed in him."

"Whatever," Mark says. "You're acting weird."

Kim is no help, either, and Dustin hasn't been speaking to Eduardo. "I am not," Dustin says, through a pillow he's holding over his head.

"Whatever," Mark repeats, and then Eduardo comes in so Dustin has to leave.

\---

 _my roommate is an asshole and doesn't care about my miseries_

 _neither do i_

 _you at least pretend_

 _i'm glad my pity helps_

\---

"Okay, you're making me feel very sorry for you," Eduardo tells him the following day.

"It's my living room," Dustin says. "I'm allowed to mope on the couch if I want to."

"I wasn't being sarcastic," Eduardo says, puzzled by the bite in his tone.

" _Why_ are you moping?" Chris calls.

Dustin snorts. Of course Chris didn't ask that half an hour ago when he kicked Dustin out of their bedroom because he was 'sighing too much.' "You only care when it's socially required!" Dustin says, and then shoves Eduardo into Mark's room so he can mope in the living room in peace.

"You can tell me," Eduardo says, coming right back out. Dustin starts to consider he might be serious, if he voluntarily left Mark's company for a minute to check on Dustin. "Even if you're just _trying_ to make us feel sorry for you, I know it's worked on me. If something's actually wrong please tell me."

"No," Dustin says. "You turn around and tell everyone you know."

"Oh," Eduardo says, and suddenly sounds like he's very amused, and not sorry at all. "This is still about _that_."

"Fuck off," Dustin tells him, meanly.

"Shut up, Dustin," Mark calls, and Eduardo shakes his head and Dustin before trailing back into Mark's bedroom.

\---

 _srsly they all hate me_

 _No they don't. and why do you keep texting me?_

 _you don't mind_

 _only because it makes my bf jealous and that makes him pay attention to me_

 _see!! you have issues too!!!_

Kim doesn't deign to answer, but Mark says, "Stop accidentally texting me."

Dustin resends the text, just to piss him off. Mark replies, _fuck off_

\---

Chris very specifically asks Dustin to come to a party with him that weekend. Dustin says, "Yeah!" and falls all over himself hurrying to get up and look presentable, since Chris has weird standards about these things and is definitely not above abandoning Dustin to the tender mercies of Mark and Eduardo and their exhibitionism if he isn't ready to go when Chris wants to leave.

They end up at a house party a couple blocks away. There's a guy there who Eduardo's friends with, who's been over once or twice and knows all of them. Chris sidles away before Dustin notices, and Dustin is left arguing with him about whether Grand Theft Auto III is better than Vice City. By the time they've exhausted that topic they both start looking for means of escape, and the guy recognizes a girl over in the hallway. Dustin is left at odd ends, and he starts looking for Chris.

It's not that difficult to find him - he's in the kitchen, tucked into a corner, making out with a guy Dustin has never seen before. Chris has his eyes closed and they're both completely ignoring the half a dozen other people who are also in the kitchen

Dustin stares at them until someone bumps into him, knocking him sideways and back out into the living room.

"Why are you back?" Mark asks, displeased, when Dustin stumbles into the dorm.

"Uh," he says. "I just saw Chris making out with some dude."

"So?" Mark asks impatiently, but Eduardo starts laughing.

"Oh no," he says.

Dustin glares at him. "I don't know why everyone thinks you're the nice one."

"Well, there's no one else. Chris certainly isn't," Eduardo says.

"Chris is nice!" Dustin protests instinctively, then retreats to his bedroom. But Chris isn't nice, really. Chris brings Dustin to parties and then abandons him to make out with the first halfway cute guy who walks by. Chris is actually very mean, and a bad friend to boot.

Dustin is stewing by the time Chris comes back. Normally this wouldn't be a problem - Chris stays out until forever, and Dustin, on the rare occasions he is mad about something, usually doesn't have to see him until long after he's gotten over whatever pissed him off.

But this one time, of course, Chris has to decide to come back early. He shows up less than twenty minutes later, and it's an unpleasant surprise when he opens the door to their bedroom and Dustin comes face to face with him.

"You left," he says, and Dustin glowers.

"You noticed!" Dustin says.

"What?" Chris says, frowning.

"Ugh," Dustin says. "Go away. Go make out with someone."

"Seriously?" Chris says. He sounds amused.

"Seriously," Dustin says. "I don't care. Just don't bring me along when you're going to ditch me to suck face with your newest acquaintance."

"I didn't ditch you," Chris says. "You're the one who left."

"Because I didn't want to watch you hook up again!" Dustin says.

"So I should be celibate because you're a prude?"

"No," Dustin says stubbornly. "You just shouldn't go around kissing _everything_."

"First of all," Chris says, frowning. "I don't. And second, since I apparently need your approval, who _should_ I kiss?"

"Me!" Dustin says, and kisses him.

Chris kisses back, pulling him closer. Dustin sort of loses his train of thought, so when Chris finally pulls away and says, "I should make out with you?" Dustin says, "Good idea," and goes back to the kissing.

\---

 _success!_

 _I'm happy for you. will you stop texting me now?_

 _you'd miss me_

 _Whatever. what finally worked?_

 _idk i just saw him making out with another person like the whore he is and then i left and he followed me and then we made out_

 _so he found out you were jealous_

 _omg what if he doesn't want to date me :(((_

 _I don't give a fuck who wants to date you, Dustin_ , Mark's response says.

 _fuck off_ , Dustin sends back.

Kim is more helpful. _He wants to date you. its like what we did with my bf_

 _?_

 _You're an idiot_

\---

"Who's Kim?" Chris asks sleepily, rolling over and shoving his head under Dustin's face.

"Nobody," Dustin says hurriedly, dropping his phone onto the floor.

Chris frowns and cranes to look at him. "Isn't she that girl from my math class?"

"It's a long story," Dustin says feebly.

Chris smiles. "Did you make a friend while you were stalking me?"

"Yes," Dustin says solemnly, trying really hard not to just molest Chris. "She's very dear to me."

"Good thing you like me, then," Chris says, and yawns.

"Oh my god, she's right," Dustin says, and sits up. "You were trying to make me jealous."

"No," Chris says, and doesn't even pretend to start waking up. He buries his head deeper into the pillow. "I really wasn't."

"You weren't?" Dustin repeats, sadly.

"No," Chris says, "But at least you had fun while you thought I was. Now would you please go back to sleep? I don't think it's dawn yet."

"It's not," Mark calls irritably through the door. "So feel free to shut the fuck up."

Chris sighs, and Eduardo's muffled sleepy scolding is barely audible, though Mark's grumbling is still pretty loud.

"Feel free to eavesdrop like a creep!" Dustin calls back, and then Chris drags him back down. Going by the muffled yelp from the other room, Eduardo probably did the same to Mark. Dustin grins at Chris from about two inches away. "So that means you're not just using me now, right?"

"Yes, Dustin," Chris says. "And you can ask me any more questions, in as much detail as you want, in the morning."

\---

 _!!! you're a genius!_

 _Awesome. you should keep me updated_

 _you DO love me_

Mark yells, "I fucking do _not_ ," and throws an empty can at Dustin's head.

"Oops," Dustin says loudly, and resends the text to Kim.

"How do you keep accidentally texting Mark?" Eduardo asks. "His name shouldn't be anywhere near hers in the contact list."

Chris snorts and says, "It's not on accident. Dustin thinks it's funny."

"It kind of is," Eduardo says, thoughtfully, and Mark makes a despairing noise, just as Kim sends back, _Again with the missing the sarcasm._

Dustin grins and taps out _< 3_ and makes sure to send it to every number in his phone.

End.


End file.
